Maybe it was me just being too hopeful and naive, but I never thought I would be sharing the story of how we were forced to say "goodbye" to our baby before we even got to say "hello".
I know that the world we live in still holds miscarriage as kind of a taboo, where we are encouraged to keep our pregnancies a secret until we are "out of the woods" of the first trimester so that we don't have to tell anyone any bad news. The truth of the matter though, is that 1 in 4 women of child-bearing age have experienced one or more miscarriages. We are not alone, and it should not be considered taboo by any means. No matter the gestational age, we did not just lose a pregnancy, we lost a child, and we need the love and support of our friends, family, and community in a time like this more than ever.
This is why I have chosen to share my story. I want anyone who has experienced a miscarriage to know that there is someone out there who understands what it's like to go through this painful and confusing time in life. I want my 1 in 4 sisters to know that there are ways to find joy in sadness. Also, I want to help those who have dear ones who have or are experiencing this type of loss to know how to act or what to say to help.
This baby was conceived through a frozen embryo transfer on March 6th, 2017 (we did IVF in January and froze all of our embryos). I will write a blog post soon about how that whole experience was, but for now I will just say that it was so exciting, and the 11 days of waiting to take the blood test find out if it was successful were the slowest of my life. I actually caved in a couple days before and ended up taking a home pregnancy test which turned out positive. We were absolutely over the moon! On St. Patrick's Day we had our official blood test to confirm pregnancy and a week later we had another blood test that confirmed my levels were rising perfectly. The whole process was absolutely flawless, and I couldn't wait until the following weeks appointment to see our tiny baby on our first ultrasound.
That day was so nerve wracking. I knew that rising hormone levels was one thing, but seeing a growing baby with a little heartbeat was reason to finally let out a sigh of relief. Our doctor found our baby almost instantly and we saw the sweetest sight of the little flickering heartbeat. Baby was measuring right on target at around 6 weeks and 1 day, and made all the horrible morning sickness and exhaustion I was feeling so completely worth it. I finally felt like I could relax and try to enjoy the pregnancy as best I could despite feeling so awful. I knew the light at the end of the tunnel of the second trimester was not too far away, and I was so excited dreaming and wondering if it would be a baby brother or a baby sister for Baylee.
I never even fathomed that the following week's ultrasound (IVF babies are monitored just about weekly until you are released to your OB) would end up being one of the worst days of my life. Our doctor came in the room all smiles, and talking about how our due date was the day before Thanksgiving. Something to be thankful for for sure! Then, he began the ultrasound and the smiling stopped. I instantly knew something was wrong. I saw the big black circle of baby's little home...but where was baby? When the doctor finally found our little speck it showed no growth and absolutely no heartbeat. Our miracle was gone.
I was so confused. I had no miscarriage symptoms at all. No bleeding, no spotting, and my pregnancy symptoms were on the rise as I had just spent that morning losing my breakfast. When we consulted with the doctor about what had happened, he said that we had a missed miscarriage, and the reason I probably had shown no symptoms was because of the progesterone and estrogen shots that I was on to help support the pregnancy. Now, all we could do was discuss the options of how to let this pregnancy end completely.
I was so in shock that I couldn't even cry. How was this nightmare possibly happening and when was someone going to wake me up and tell me it wasn't real? But it was real. Very real. Because the next thing I knew, the nurse was giving Brian and I our instructions for home, and I was walking out of the clinic holding pictures of my uterus and the sleeping baby inside of it.
As the sunshine hit my face outside the clinic doors, I lost it and sobbed and sobbed. This loss was more than just our baby's life, we lost every dime that we had spent getting to this point, and we lost weeks of me having to endure painful nightly shots which I still have bruises and knots from. I dug deep to find every ounce of faith I had to know that God gives and takes away. This was all in His plan, and of course I question why, but I know He will reveal himself in His time. I tried hard to convince myself that I was okay. I had to be okay, because no matter what I have a sweet little girl at home that needs me. I needed to not lose myself over this.
We originally opted to go home and let the miscarriage happen naturally on its own, but I didn't even make it 24 hours before I couldn't take it anymore. I still had morning sickness and a slew of other pregnancy symptoms that were pure torture knowing that my baby was no longer alive. We had the doctor prescribe some misoprostol which is a drug to help get the miscarriage going. I won't go in to the all the gory details, but by the next morning it began. The next few days were the most difficult days I've ever experienced. Along with some pain (cramps and contractions), I had mood swings where I went from feeling like I was going to be okay to feeling like I was sinking into a deep depression within minutes of each other. I cried so many tears, and said so many prayers for strength and peace. Brian was an absolute saint taking care of both Baylee and me for the entire weekend. He held me when I cried, made me food when food sounded good, and kept our girl happy and entertained so that I would not have extra worries on my shoulders. I never could have gotten through it without him.
I am still not doing great, but minute by minute it is starting to get a little better. I have said my goodbyes, and I know there is a little angel in Heaven watching over all of us now. A sweet, tiny baby angel who will never know pain or sorrow, and who's first sight he or she saw when they opened their eyes was the face of Jesus. I can't think of anything more beautiful.
Now that the healing has really started, we have decided we want to try to have another transfer as soon as we are medically able to. I want another baby more than I could ever explain, and I know that the best thing for me is to get right back to it instead of sitting around in agony wondering what to do. I just know our rainbow baby is right around the corner. I can feel it.
Thank you so much to everyone for your continued prayers and support. I know that the only reason I have been able to survive this so well is because I have the most amazing team of prayer warriors behind me. I love you all.
If you know anyone going through or who has been through a miscarriage and you're not quite sure what to say or do, I will tell you that a simple "I'm so sorry for your loss." goes a long way. Promises of support and prayers, and encouraging words of strength have been my saving grace this past week, and while I can't say that I am anywhere near being healed, I know that the love everyone has shown me has put me on the right path.
We will all get through this.
Until next time. XoXoXo
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