I have to be honest...when I was writing the first update to this series, I was smiling to myself thinking that there probably wouldn't be a "#2", and well, here it is. Dangit.
If you need to catch up, here are the first post and the first update to my secondary infertility story. When I posted the last update, I was halfway through my first cycle of 50mg Clomid which helped me ovulate, but alas, no pregnancy. Then, I did a second round of it, and once again ovulated, but still didn't get pregnant. This was, by far, the most frustrated I've ever been through this whole trying to conceive process.
I know Clomid is not some miracle drug and that my chances of getting pregnant each cycle are still only around 30%, but I really had high hopes. I thought for sure that, once we got my ovulation going, we would see a baby within the first two cycles, but no go. At 12 days past ovulation I took a test that was negative, and I knew for sure I was out for this round. My heart sank.
I try really hard not to feel sorry for myself, because I am one of the firmest believers that everything happens for a reason, but I hit my breaking point. I wasn't angry, wasn't frustrated...just flat out sad. And, for the first time in over a year and a half, I cried about it. I cried and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I have never been so close to throwing in the towel. I texted Brian that I was done with infertility running my life and hated the way it was beginning to define who I am. I told my sisters and close friends that I was over it, and that maybe having Baylee as my only child wouldn't be so bad. I actually started spending time mentally preparing myself for that. I don't know how I would ever feel like a piece of me wasn't missing, but I would have to learn.
Then, as usual, my wonderful husband talked some sense in to me by saying we could do whatever I wanted, but that I should contact my doctor first. So, I called her and explained that I wasn't pregnant yet and was getting frustrated. I love my OBGYN because she's almost annoyingly upbeat. It kills me sometimes, but when you're in a funk someone happy and peppy can be the best medicine. She told me not to stress, that I could do this, and to give her one more cycle before I decided to take a break. She called in a new prescription, this time for 100mg Clomid and told me that I don't even have to get my blood work done this time because she knows it's working. I needed that pep talk more than I knew, and had Brian pick up my new prescription the next day.
So, tomorrow I'll take my last two pills for this cycle, and then it's just the usual waiting game. The side effects are terrible this time, (nausea, exhaustion, headaches) but at the same time I feel good. To give myself a breather, I decided not to chart anything this cycle and just go with the flow, and it has already helped tremendously. I know I need to not be so focused on the "trying" and to just let it happen, but it's the hardest thing in the world to go to family parties and be surrounded by tiny, little babies. I want that again more than I could ever begin to explain. I love and adore my sweet, wonderful Baylee girl, but that doesn't mean I'm done.
Thank you so much for all your continued love and prayers! Knowing I have so much support through this process is what keeps me hanging on. That, and my little princess, who I already can't believe was ever this tiny! That smooshy little 8 week old face gives me all the feels!
Until next time! XoXo
