Secondary Infertility is Still Infertility

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

I had a few lighthearted blog posts planned for this week, but the subject of secondary infertility has been weighing heavy on my mind as we wait for the next step in our IVF process. So, as I'm still the only one awake this morning, I thought I'd share some of my thoughts.
It's still so crazy to me that we are going through IVF in order to expand our family when we got so lucky with Baylee. Brian and I got married in October 2013, & we we pregnant by the end of November 2013. It happened so fast, & never in our wildest dreams did we ever think that we would be actively trying for baby #2 for two plus years & still have not one positive pregnancy test.

This secondary infertility journey has been the most challenging and frustrating journey of my life. The process of understanding why we were having trouble getting pregnant (if you don't know the full story, you can read it starting here) was tough and very humbling. I knew all along that Baylee was my miracle, I just didn't realize the extent to just how miraculous it is that she is even here with us. The odds are definitely not in our favor to ever be able conceive naturally again, & I am not a candidate for IUI, so IVF it is. 

"Well at least you have one." is a reaction that I am met with constantly, & every time I hear those words I feel a stab to the heart. I know they are not meant to be anything more than a reminder of how blessed I am to have my girl, & believe me, I thank God for her every single day, but I feel like those words completely diminish the pain I feel. Trust me, my heart breaks for the couples who would do anything to have just one baby, & I pray every day that they get their little bundle of joy! But just because I have one, that doesn't mean I am done, & I walk around with a hole in my heart every single day that only having another baby will fill. 

Hearing or seeing the words "Well at least you have one." used to make me feel so guilty. I would wonder to myself why Baylee wasn't enough, and how come I couldn't just be happy with the precious daughter God gave me and move on? But the truth of the matter is, I know in the depths of my soul that I was meant to be a mother to more than just one child. Every time I am with my sisters & we are giggling about things that happened to us when we were young I think to myself, "I want this for Baylee.". I want her to have siblings who she can grow up to be best friends with. I want her to have memories of the games her & her siblings played & the adventures they used to go on. 

My heart & family are in no way complete, and "Well at least you have one." is not comforting in the least. Secondary Infertility is still infertility, & while I know that me & the other women in a similar situation don't ask for sympathy of any kind, a little compassion would go a long way. I was recently on a Facebook Group for women going through IVF, & those of us who already had one child were facing such a backlash that one of the women created a separate group just for us to talk and not feel threatened. That is so sad to me that those of us who are already a mother are made to feel guilty to grieve.

Instead of sitting around being sad though, I have chosen to take the IVF bull by the horns. We are not there yet, but I know in my heart that I WILL have another baby, and then maybe even 1 or 2 more after that, because I have faith that God put me down this path for a reason. It may not be conventional, but it's mine, and I'm trying to find it in my heart to be able to look back and love the journey even though it's been the bumpiest road. 

So, if you know someone who is already a mother, but having trouble expanding her family, please don't remind her that at least she has a child. She knows, & she praises God on the daily for that, but if her heart is still longing for more babies, she has every right to feel the way she feels. 

"There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes." -David Platt

Until next time! XoXoXo 


  1. Beautifully spoken. So many people speak before they think.

  2. I'm on a private facebook group simply called "Secondary infertility." I feel it's very supportive with women in all different aspects of their struggle, whether they have one or two or five kids or are doing IUI, IVF or nothing at all.

    1. Oh that's wonderful! I will have to search for it! Thank you!