Up until 10 months ago, I used to hate it when people said, "You won't understand until you have children." Now that I have been a mother for almost a year, I have come to the realization that those people were so correct. Until I watched my baby girl take her first breath, I never understood what it feels like to forever have your heart outside of your body. That precious little girl is my heart, my everything. Now I get it. Now I understand.
Every choice I make every day I now make with her well being and happiness in mind. I now know what it feels like to choose to be completely selfless toward another being and to have love so unconditional and so pure that there are literally no words to describe it. Motherhood is the most incredible experience I have ever had in my life. Transitioning into being a mom, however, was no easy task. I was caught off guard with just how hard it would be.
Besides struggling with breast feeding and her case of jaundice, my first few weeks of Baylee weren't so bad at all. We had done a temporary move into my in-laws house to be closer to family, so I had a helper at my beck and call pretty much every day. Then the time came to move back home (about an hour away from our families) when Baylee was about 3 weeks old. Truthfully, I was relieved to be going home. As much as I adored all the help, it was getting a little overwhelming to have visitors all the time. I just wanted to snuggle my baby in peace. With that, however, came the day that I was a little fearful of...my first day at home alone with Baylee as a Stay-at-Home Mom. It's the job I had always wanted, and now that God had blessed me with the opportunity I had to be perfect at it to please Him. I didn't want to screw up.
In my head I had worked out a plan of everything I needed to do to be a perfect mom and wife. I had to keep the house clean and tidy every day, make dinner every night for my husband when he got home from work, and take care of our little girl making sure to nurture her in body, mind, and spirit at all times. Yes, Seasoned Mamas, this is where you're allowed to giggle and snort. What kind of La-La-Land I was living in...I just don't know, but let me tell you, I drove myself insane trying to make my big plan work.
Along with everything else, at the time I was also exclusively pumping, (thats a whole 'nother blog post in the works!) and had I known how much that was going to run my life I would have let go right there. Of course, I didn't, and pumping just became another one of my job requirements. I was so exhausted from pumping and feeding Baylee every two hours all night long, but I pushed on and reminded myself that this was what I had always wanted, so I shouldn't complain. Luckily, Baylee and I had mostly good days in the beginning, so all was well for the next few weeks. Then I went to my 6 week check up with my OBGYN and was prescribed birth control. The mini pill is what they give you when you're lactating because it's a small enough hormone dosage that it doesn't affect your baby and shouldn't dry up your milk. Well, I apparently am one of the few that is sensitive to it, because my milk started to dry up after only two dosages. I was absolutely freaked out. Not only was I not making enough milk for my baby, but she hated the formula I was trying to supplement with. This was my breaking point. This was when the "mom guilt" officially settled in.
I felt so awful...I was stressed out, starving my baby, and saying horrible, mean things to my husband out of frustration. On top of that, I was so strictly focused on getting my milk production back up that I was letting the house go and cooking dinner was a thing of the past. Guilty. I felt so guilty. Here I was, letting God down after He had given me so much to work with. I was a bad mom. I was a bad wife. I cried and cried for days feeling even more guilty for not being able to keep it together. Bless my sweet husband for putting up with me during those rough days. He stood by my side and let himself be my punching bag even though I was acting so unappreciative. I was so lost and I had no idea how I was going to get through it. And that's when I came across a wonderful little internet read about God's grace.
I was on Pinterest looking for some answers; searching things like "how to be a happy mom" and "how to survive being a SAHM". I came across a pin with the title "What God Expects From Moms of Littles" and it completely changed my heart. It was a blog post about a woman who was feeling the "mom guilt" just like me, but who had realized that we, as mothers, are doing God's work first hand. We have been entrusted with the task of raising these tiny humans that He created into men and women who love and honor Him for all of their days. This is no easy feat, and for doing this He grants us His grace. He knows we can't do it all, and there is no expectation as long as we try our best every day to love our husbands and enrich our children's lives.
Peace...I had finally found it. Knowing that I had God's grace to make mistakes and to live by trial and error parenting made me feel so much better about life! Now, this doesn't go to say that the "mom guilt" doesn't settle in from time to time (it happens to the best of us!) but it definitely has gotten a lot better. I try my best to do it all, but if I'm tired I nap instead of doing the dishes, and if I don't feel like making dinner I text my hubby asking where we should go for family date night instead...and I try not to feel guilty about it, because raising a tiny human is hard! ;)
So, my hope with this blog post is that it can reach some of my fellow mamas, be you stay-at-home or working, and let you know that you are doing a GREAT JOB and that God blesses you for loving and nurturing His children. In the end, we are all just making it through the day, and getting paid in kisses and cuddles from the most wonderful creatures to ever exist.
And there it is...all of God's grace...in one tiny, little face. :)
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