To Three Or Not To Three

Friday, April 12, 2019

"When are you trying for baby #3?" is a question I get a lot now that Natalie is a year old. It's a completely innocent question, everyone knows that Brian and I adore our girls and used to always say that we wanted 3-4 kids...but now that we are actually living the life of having more than one kid, the answer is not so easy. 

While still laying on the operating table after my c-section with Natalie, I asked my doctor if I was a candidate for VBAC. Even in that moment, I thought for sure I would keep having more kids. Then I was thrown in to the world of taking care of two kids while having a firefighter husband who is gone more often than he is home, and wow...what an eye opener the last 14 months have been. I have had to be honest with myself; I don't know for sure if I can handle having another one.

When Natalie was around 5 months old, I realized I was battling some post-partum anxiety/depression and it was terrifying. I managed to get it mostly under control through using essential oils and expressing my need for help to friends and family, but I am so scared that it will happen again if I have another baby. It is so hard to take care of children when you're tired all the time and feel like the walls are closing in around you. I definitely worry about what adding another baby will do to my quality of parenting.

I also worry about being able to actually juggle three kiddos during Brian's 72-96 hour shifts. That's a long time to be alone with two kids, so the idea of adding a baby to the mix makes me sweat a little. I think we would be okay once we adjusted, but the "during" definitely has me concerned.

From a selfish standpoint, it's been kind of nice to have my body back. I spent so long not only being pregnant and breastfeeding, but also going through daily shots and fertility treatments, so it's been nice to do and eat whatever I want. Also, I have about 10 pounds from each girl that I am in the process of losing, so adding more baby weight to that doesn't sound fun. I'm just not too sure that I'm comfortable with the idea of starting from scratch again, and since we would be doing another frozen embryo transfer, daily shots would be back in my routine. Also, FETs are not free and not covered by our insurance, so we would be looking at spending another $5,000. Bottom line is we don't have it right now, because we are still paying off the IVF and FET we did to have Natalie.

On the other hand, the idea of not having another baby definitely makes me sad. We are so blessed that we got 15 embryos from our first (and only) round of IVF. We have 13 left and 2 of them are the highest grade possible. The thought of not transferring at least one of them is almost depressing. I don't want to regret not having another one and always wondering if I should have and who they would be. So many people have told me "You will never look at that child and think 'Oh, I regret having you...'" and it's so, so true. 

I am trying me best to let go and let God decide on the matter, but with it being an IVF situation and the fact that I would like to be done having kids before I turn 35 (I turned 33 in March), we definitely have to figure it out soon.
No matter what we decide, I am one blessed mama to have my two little beauties!  
 So, what do you guys think? 
I would love to hear your thoughts on why you did or did not keep having kids after you had two!

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