This post has been the hardest one for me to write. Ever. My intention for this blog was to keep it mostly light and airy; a simple, fun-filled, and sometimes very amusing but also very real take on motherhood. But as we all know, life throws those crazy curve balls now and then, and you can either duck and hide or face it head on and slam one out of the park. Though the fear is in me, I'm going to be strong and swing with all my might at this one.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to go public and actually blog about my infertility issue. Not only am I putting myself in a very vulnerable position, but once it's published it's just that much more real. After debating long and hard, I decided to go ahead and write about it. Not for my benefit, but for the thousands of other women out there who might be in the same boat as me and feel all alone with no one who truly gets it. I want you to you know that we are in this together, and there's someone who understands exactly how you feel. This blog post is dedicated to anyone who's ever had a child-shaped missing piece of their heart.
Inferility. My OBGYN wrote in on the diagnosis line on my orders for the radiologist and I just stared at the word and studied it. How can I own that word? I already have a beautiful and very naturally made baby. How was that word now mine?
For those who do not know, Brian and I have been trying for baby #2 for over a year now. It has always been my dream to have kids who are close in age and can grow up best friends, so as soon as we felt ready to open our hearts to another baby we began trying. We had no idea we would be here a year later with no new baby and seeking infertility testing. I knew my cycles were funky, but with Baylee we got pregnant the second month of trying, so the thought of being infertile never crossed my mind. I figured 6 months of trying tops.
Fast forward 9 months later and I was sitting with the nurse practitioner at my OBGYN's office explaining everything. When I was 21, my old OBGYN told me I had PCOS based on my irregular cycles and symptoms. So, I figured that could be what we were battling. The nurse practitioner put me on 3 cycles of birth control in hopes that that would kick start ovulation. But, lo and behold, nothing. So, two months later, I made another appointment and met with my OBGYN to discuss options. She was so understanding and ready to help. She gave me orders for some blood tests, a HSG test, and an ultrasound so that we could find out what we were really working with.
I spent the following week being poked and prodded at. The ultrasound and blood draw were no biggie, but the HSG was intense. It stands for a hysterosalpingogram, and without getting too graphic, they instert dye into a woman's uterus and watch where it flows to see if there is any kind of blockage in the fallopian tubes. It turns out that I had a blockage, but the dye flushed it out. Perfect. I thought that maybe that had been our issue, and left feeling hopeful (and in a lot of pain lol).
A few days later, I got a call from my doctor. She said, "Well all your bloodwork looks really good, but as far as your HSG, well, I'm not sure how you ever had a healthy, natural pregnancy on your own." Talk about a jaw drop. She went on to explain that I have what's called a unicornuate uterus. So, basically, I'm missing half of my uterus, and while I have two fallopian tubes and two ovaries, only one side (that we can tell so far) is connected to my uterus. So, since ovulation is sporadic as far as what side the egg drops from every month, my conception chances are cut in half or even lower compared to a "normal" woman. Damn. This was a lot to process.
She told me that she's super curious to get a closer look, so she suggested an MRI. While there's nothing that can be done to fix it, we could at least get a good plan going to help me get pregnant. There was my relief. She was going to help me get pregnant again. Thank the Lord!
When we got off the phone I was in a state of shock, and naturally, wanted to know more. I looked up as much information online as I could and found out that this uterine anomaly is something that happens during the early weeks of fetal development and they have no explanation yet what causes it. It only happens to 1 in 1,000 women, and it can also cause only one kidney to form, but other than that leaves the woman completely healthy. How crazy that I have lived with my body like this for almost 30 years and had absolutely no idea! Then, it hit me. Baylee...she was literally a miracle.
She's been my wonderful blessing of a baby since the day I saw the plus sign on my pregnancy test, but my love for her grew even more. How blessed I am that God put her in my belly despite the odds, and she's here with us today! I have never felt so grateful in my life.
So, yesterday I had my MRI, and I should be able to meet with my doctor and see my scans in the coming weeks. After that, we will begin some kind of fertility medication to help stimulate ovulation so that we can finally have another baby. For, as much as I love my girl, I have a missing piece. I want Baylee to have at least one sibling, and I know I was meant to have more babies. I can feel it in my heart.
As far as how I'm feeling mentally? Well, though it's a little shocking and a little sad, I'm trying to stay strong. God only gives us what He knows we can handle, and I am still wonderfully made in His image. And mostly, I'm just relieved to finally have answers. Anyone who's ever played the waiting game of trying to conceive knows how crushing it can be to the heart to see that negative test month after month. I'm happy to move forward, and ready to make this happen. And, as my lovely husband has said, it turns out that I'm a magical unicorn! Who would have thought I'm that cool?! :) (Let the unicorn obsession commence! lol)
As I find out more information, I will do future blog posts to keep you all updated! Please pray for our family that God will bless us and help us grow. :) Thank you for all your love and support!
(Updates: one, two, three)
Until next time! XoXoXo
